I’m a real person. Just like you, sitting there, where ever your there is. You have a life - ups, downs, pain, happiness. We are all just people behind our tumblrs.
When you have a tumblr, you can put on a persona, maybe exaggerate a part of yourself if you want, or act out a fantasy that you’ve dreamed of in real life. Like all cyber things, you can mould this to be who and what you want it to be, you can treat people however you want and never have to look them in the eye. With message boards and online communities came the birth of the troll with the “I can do whatever the fuck I want online, with no consequences.” Obviously, this isn’t everyone. But I think there is a fair amount of dehumanizing that happens, or maybe life is just like that I need to harden the sweet Jesus fuck out of myself.
I didn’t come here to play games. I came here to find real people. I came here to be real myself. I came here to dig deeply and explore and feel good about who I am and what I like.
Who is the real Becca? Well, this is very much me. Ask my sister, my friend from high school or the woman I grew up with like cousins - they read this. I have pictures of myself up, I have deeply personal posts up about my life, my kids, my divorce, and the man I’m (sadly) in love with. I pour my heart and soul onto these cyber pages, though I stop myself from posting if I’m feeling too down. I don’t want to write endless sadness, because I want to focus my life on the positive. Forward momentum is what my life is about, picking myself up after one-more-fucking kick in the damn junk, and saying “I am not broken.” and in my best Scarlett voice, “Tomorrow is another day.”
I’ll never post a picture of myself naked. Why? Because I am nothing much to look at in that state. I’m much prettier dressed. I don’t think of that so much as a confidence issue as just the facts (ma’am). I’m 39 and have had four kids, there isn’t much I can do about that short of surgery (though losing another 15 pounds would be pretty sweet). How’s that for real?
I’m seriously thinking about doing some video blogging. Why? Because I like to. :) I used to (in a whole different context), and I miss it. I watched Kinkyminx’s a few weeks ago and just loved it (Girl, you inspire me in so many ways!) and when I was running the other week, I was thinking about her, and few of the other tumblr ladies I am lucky to call my friends, and had this whole crazy video montage story boarded out in my head. There was music. It was awesome. It was tumblr girl power. (Okay that was a total non sequitur, but my train of thought is a little all over the place tonight)
If I have learned anything in this last year, and more aggressively (and sometimes painfully) in the last six months, is that I want to live authentically. Being who I am, and allowing for that to change and flow and not getting stuck in my own or anyone else’s paradigm of who that is. Also, that the universe is just not going to let this be easy for me. Nope. This process is stripping me to the bone. Everything I thought I knew? Changed. My future? Mostly foggy(there is my beach house though, which I can see as clearly as if I were walking up it steps, keys in hand). I I know the fog will burn away with the sun. So changing your life? Not for the fucking faint of heart. Neither is loving, for that matter. Though I believe fortune favours the brave.