Awake

hisdarlinggirl replied to your post: A long but too short weekend

You are lovely and deserving of so much. You are a great friend and I take issue with the cute bit. I think you’re beautiful. Please take care of yourself. I wish you weren’t so far away. I’m sending hugs to you. Cher

Cher, thank you so much. *huge hugs!* I have a half written email with your name on it. I wish you weren’t so far away too, my friend. xoxox

So I went and visited my Gentleman. And I’m going to share a bit. It’s not going to be all sexy, so feel free to keep scrolling through your dash. ;)

There are many different things about this visit that made it… memorable (I can see his lopsided smile while I type this).

The first night things had been pretty carefree, fun, relaxed… and very sexy. All over the place sex is so fucking wonderful.

I believe all the emotional stuff that came out was good in the end.  I made peace with many things. One thing is for certain, I learned a lot about myself and what my heart is capable of and I learned a lot about my Gentleman too. With all my new found knowledge of things that have been happening in his life (read - tumblr women drama), I wanted to know how I fit in - if I even did. I had been running on the misconception that I was his one girl. By “girl”, I mean woman on the side, he is in an open marriage, and I have more than accepted his wife and their life together. I come to find out that is not really the case. Which hurt, since my heart belongs to him and when you believe a situation is one way (in any kind of relationship, not just romantic) to find out you were wrong is hard. Painful. No fucking fun. But I am so glad it all came out. I don’t believe ignorance is bliss. Especially since I have a fairly decent level of intuition. It doesn’t let me stay ignorant for long. And the truth has a weird way of finding my doorstep. Call it a gift or a curse, but I value it.

I prepared myself for the end of it, after things came to light the second day I was there, Friday. I wasn’t angry. I was just bone deep sad. I don’t want to be an obligation, or the girl you just can’t get to leave (she’s sweet and you don’t want to hurt her), I don’t want to change anyone or have unrealistic expectations. I want honesty. I want that when you are done with me, not to drag shit out - let me go!  There is no reason to drag things out, everyone is a grown up. It was a day of a lot of reflection. Even though things were over with that woman and had been for a bit, it was still a lot to digest. A lot to try and make sense of and not let it eat my self esteem alive. That road leads no where. No where with no peace. But you can’t help and take a personal inventory. And I did. I’m just me. Flawed, trying to navigate my way though a lot of painful things that have nothing to do with my Gentleman. I’m cute, but not beautiful. I’m clever but not brilliant. I’m funny but not quitting my day job. I’m compassionate but I have my moments (mean thoughtless people suck). I’m okay with who I am. The choices I make. So feeling alright about that, I had to look at my feelings towards my Gentleman. And it shocked me more than anything that day had (and believe me there were some doozies) - I still loved him. What. The. Fuck. I wanted to not feel that way. I wanted to be furious. I wanted to be able to walk away and not give a shit. My lemming of a heart had other plans.

So I sat and thought about that for a while - why do I love this man? Still? WHY? I thought about what I know of him. Obviously we never really truly know another person inside and out, but I know good, bad, terrible and wonderful things about him. Sometimes, it is hard to square them in my head as the same person. But he is. And I love all those parts. I thought, even if this is the end, he will always have a part of my heart. It simply doesn’t belong to me. So it was a revelation. I knew how I felt, in spite/despite of everything. That alone gave me a huge level of peace.

The hardest part was trying to sort out what my Gentleman was feeling. Our conversation was a wonderful talk of getting to know him more. He said a few things that I repeat to myself when I feel lonely now that I am home. He told me he loved me. Many times. Over and over. I also made him promise that if he is done, and wants to move on, he lets me go. I asked him to be honest, should he decide he really needs to push some tumblr buttons, to tell me. Please. Give me the choice to be okay with everything or go myself. Better still, include me. I am a realistic optimist. I believe what he said to me. I also believe that he is who he is. If he wants to change, well, only he can do it. I love him as he is, flaws and all. Would I love it if he made the changes he talked about? Sure I would! But changing a behavior has to really benefit/have a pay off in order to have any real staying power. These can only be his choices.

And after some amazing talking, there was cuddling, sports and sex. Yummy, delicious, mind blowing, can’t-stop-thinking-about-it sex. And cuddle napping… and a few more days of wonderful lovely hanging out (and more sex). All very head clearing and relaxing. Gifts.

I hope you all had interesting, wonderful, enlightening weekends - whether they were long or just the regular kind.